Out of the Abundance of the Heart
MY WORLD CAME CRASHING down on October 5, 2011. I received a
phone call from my mom that changed my life forever.
I desired to be loved, wanted, and accepted by others. Unfortunately, it
seemed like I was not able to rely on the people who were closest to me to
love me the way I need to be loved. During my childhood, I did not
experience acceptance and affirmation that were essential to my emotional
and mental health as a child. This emotional neglect caused me to have
daddy issues. As a result, my daddy issues directly impacted my
interpersonal relationship with other men.
Most importantly, the broken relationship with my dad was the barrier
that hindered my relationship with God.
From the age of three until the age of twenty-five, my relationship with my
dad with a raging war. I very rarely felt loved or appreciated. I
experienced harsh criticism and wise cracks at my expense. My efforts
and achievements never seemed to be to my dad’s liking. As a young
child, the emotional neglect I experienced caused me to be hyper-sensitive.
However, as an adolescent, I developed a defense mechanism that
triggered the creation a hard-exterior shell of arrogance, sarcasm, and
vanity. This was a desperate attempt to mask the emptiness and loneliness
I felt in my heart.
It was not long before I realized that I could not control the way my
feelings manifested themselves. It seemed as if I were forced into life of
silence, secrecy, and shame. All the while, my unaddressed feelings and
emotions escalated into anger, resentment, and bitterness that I was no
longer able to hide. Unfortunately, I was consumed by my thoughts, my
feelings, and my opinions. They now controlled me and there was nothing
I could do about it.
As an unbeliever, my life plateaued and plummeted into what seemed like
a wretched death. I was fully convinced I was making the right decisions
in my personal relationships as well as in my life. When I was about 18
years of age, I began to ask straightforward questions about my dad’s life
in hopes of uncovering why my he was so mean to me. My hunt for
answers about my dad’s early years lasted for about ten years. While in
search for answers about my dad’s early life, I had been teaching high
school for 11 years. I had a prominent career as a high school
mathematics teacher and was selected the 2011 Educator of the Year. I
was able to purchase a charming family home in the suburbs. I was
successful, driven and ambitious. I was leading the way in the education.
Nevertheless, I came to a point in my life where I recognized there had to
be more to life than accomplishments, success and paying bills. In my
mind, I was the smartest person I knew and often wondered to myself,
“Who is going to help me grow?” “How am I going to get out of this rat
race of life?” The pressures of life began to close in, and my life now
seemed unrewarding, and I exhausted every possibility that I could think of.
I asked myself, “Now what do I do?”
My dad died at home on October 5, 2011. His death radically changed my
perspective on life, and moved me closer to seeking God for myself. For
the first time in my life, I was able to listen and to hear what God had to
say to me. What I did not realize was my soul was in search for God. I
desperately wanted to get to know God and He is what I had been longing
for my entire life. After my dad died in 2011, God began to expose the
secrets, the hurts, and the lies that kept my family and me in bondage. I
discovered my dad was a victim of a broken heart. Consequently, I
experienced the same kind of brokenness.
During my supernatural conversion, I decided to break the silence and
speak out. Subsequently, I took my hurt, pain, struggles and my failures
and shared them with the world. No one-except my brother, Justin-ever
took the time to ask or offer any help, support or encouragement in my
‘wonderfully created’ personality.
Now that I am a born-again believer in Jesus Christ, I desire to write about
real life situations that impact real people. I chose to use the gifts God has
given me to help people understand and deal with issues that plague our
lives, such as relationships, faith, sex, prayer, and death. I know that God
has compelled me to share the intimate details of my life with family and
friends. Not only has this been therapeutic, but it is important for them to
see and to understand the brokenness, the hurt, the pain, the isolation, and
the loneliness that I suffered during my life. It was not easy for me to bare
my weaknesses, but I firmly believe my testimony in Jesus Christ will
bless others and bring glory to my Heavenly Father.
This book is divided into two parts: The first section focuses on a period
in my life – for about three years - in which I had a fountain of poetic
rhymes. I find myself searching and seeking for the answers to what love
is. I also write about the relationship with my dad and racial injustices.
Section one vividly illustrates my thought life before my supernatural
encounter with Jesus Christ.
The second part of Out of the Abundance of the Heart reveals personal
messages inspired by the Holy Spirit. Each person I encountered is a
family member, a dating prospect, or an acquaintance I met during my first
couple of years as a born-again believer in Jesus Christ. Section two
illustrates my new conversion and a conspicuous shift in the way I
thought, felt, acted and responded to life.
In August 2013, I surrendered my heart and my life to Jesus Christ. Since
that day, I gave up my career and sold my house to live my life
surrendered and obedient to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I am
confident that the Holy Spirit birthed messages in my heart to share with
my family and friends. Please allow me to say there is nothing typical
about my story. I take you on a journey through my thoughts and opinions
I had as an unbeliever. The majority of what I thought, felt, and believed
was distorted, irrational, and faulty. My thoughts and opinions were
influenced by my external circumstances that included my feelings and
emotions, disappointments and experiences and lack of parental guidance
and direction. Before we begin, please allow me to share some of my
thoughts and opinions from my life as an unbeliever.